WHO I WOULD BE

(If I Could Be Me...)


I would be a fairy princess
in a toddlers body

The undisputed champion
of the the 3rd grade spelling bee

If I could be me...


Adolescence would be my proving ground

popular,
thin,
smart

All the boys
would notice me

If I could be me...


Honor classes,
Prom,
Graduation,
marry high school sweetheart or
go to college

the right choice or the smart choice?
I would know this answer


If I could be me...


College or not,
marriage or not,
babies or not -
we all end up in the same place

Turning 30

Am I too fat,
too old,
too poor?

and who are all these people in my life?
and oh yes....

what about who I would be

If I could be me...


Life is so hectic I barely stop.

I am becoming,

a career woman,
a lover,
a mother.

A fixer,
divorced,
married,
single.

Living,
drowning,
in options.

Is this really who I would be?

If I could be me...

Unbelievable this ride of life

The choices.
the kids,
the men,
the self.

At night I sleep

and I am so far from who I would be

If I could be me...
Movie stars are now not "older" than me

and a couple of kids have called me Ma'am


The world seems to be getting younger

I am not.

But here is what I am getting,

more sure.
More graceful.
More forgiving.

There really is a rhythm and a flow to it all

And just as all who are young have to struggle?

I realize I do not.

Like a late Indian summer day,
I have an extra hour

To relax,
look,
reflect.

To smile.

To reach out gently to my time conscious self

and with no more effort than dipping a paddle steers a canoe,
realize...

I am in charge of what will be

I can be me.