Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Summer Satire




Dear Diary,

Today is Monday June 27th 2011

Well I did it! I went to the therapist this morning. It is late and I am tired and lying here in my bed with you on my laptop, so I will make this short and sweet and add more in the morning before my 10:30 massage appointment.

Ashley lies sleeping beside me and the sound of his snoring is so annoying! There! I poked him and he rolled over. That’s a little better. Where was I? Oh, right, the Therapist! I was a few minutes late and SHE made me wait! Can you imagine??? Anyway I tried to hide my annoyance once she finally invited me in to her office and I sat down in what I must admit, was a very comfortable leather club chair. Imported I think.

She wanted to know why I was there. What kind of question was that? If I could answer that I wouldn’t need to be there! But I felt forced to come up with some kind of answer because she just SAT there and waited and one of us needed to say something.

I told her that I was unhappy "My husband is so, well, boring.
He makes enough money so that I can come see you i told her but other than that the mans is SO insipid.

"What did you see in him when you first met him?" she asked rolling the pen between her fingers and leaning back in her leather chair as though the question was an after thought.

Well... now that I think back, what I saw all those years ago was how much Melanie wanted him, Melanie "the good". All through high school she constantly made me look bad with all her "goodness" Good grief, she was almost as insipid as Ashley! But for some reason especially that night at the prom, she was all glowy and Ashley seemed fascinated by her. Her in her boringly beige dress.

Never mind me looking breathtakingly glorious in red.
I looked fantastic, the truth of that was in every pair of male eyes in the room- except Ashley’s.

And when they announced HER name as prom queen, well....my mouth nearly dropped to the floor. But somehow looking at him standing up there on that stage beside her I realized that he looked good to me. Real good! Maybe it was the lighting but I just knew that I wanted that man. And that was that.

Realizing I hadn’t spoken out loud to answer the question I cleared my throat and hastily replied

“he was OK then I guess,”

my words trailed off and I looked at the Dr. waiting for a real question.

"Did you have any friends in high school?" she inquired.

Honestly Diary, I wouldn’t want to know how this woman makes her living as a therapist asking such dumb questions.

I told her, "I was the most popular girl in high school."

"Who did you confide in?" she asked quietly.

"Oh well, that is a different a different question" I laughed. "I could tell Prissy anything!" I smiled remembering.

"You see, she and her mother worked for us and she was just always around, helping me get ready and stuff."

"Are you still friends?" she asked.

"No" I laughed again, "She has gotten very uppity. She changed her name to Whoppi and now she does stand up comedy about snooty white southern belles. I've never been to see her act, it doesn’t sound very funny to me."

Diary..you know how you hear that all psychiatrists are crazy?
Well, I'm no expert I know, since this is the first one I’ve ever talked to but all the sudden for no reason whatsoever, she just made a strangling sound and held her tablet she been writing on in front of her face.

It was so weird. . Then she stood up and walked to a bar and poured a glass of water and drank it. Staring at her back, I saw her shoulders were shaking up and down and when she turned back around her eyes were all wet.

So I guess that little rumor about shrinks is true. Fortunately her little fit didn’t last long as I AM (well OK Ashley is) PAYING her a lot of money and so far we hadn’t done anything but make light conversation.

"Tell me" she said as she sat back down at her desk. "Melanie sounds like she was an important figure in your life when you were younger. Do you still keep in touch?"

Honestly, did this woman treat all her patients this way? Sit them in chair and ask them stupid questions about how their friends were doing? I was tempted to take a peek at the framed degrees hanging on the wall behind her head just to see who in the world ever gave her a degree but by the way she stared at me I thought better of it. Better wait and see if she had another one of her little coughing fits and look then!

I answered her question as patiently as I could. "First of all I told her, Melanie was not important in MY life, I was important in hers, she told me so herself."

No need to get snappy I thought. I took a deep breath and continued,

"As for seeing her, we traveled in the same circles even after we graduated. By early fall Ashley and I were engaged and planning the wedding of the year and she went abroad. For school I think.

She ended up staying there-I guess."

My neck felt hot.

"She recently came back after years away and I saw her at a charity function. She was with her husband, Rhett something or other…."

Diary, my voice just trailed off and I felt like I was the one who needed water.

There was no way I was going to tell her about that magnificent man. How Melanie ever got him, now that was a good question!

I don’t think I’ve ever written three pages in here about anyone else ever. But that’s what it took just to describe him.

Describe how magnetic and vibrant he is…and how everyone flocked around them, hanging on their every word, as thought being from Europe was like coming back from Mars or something.

Including Ashley, standing there laughing, the light shining off his balding head.

I felt very hot then too, and then inexplicably cold. Then my heart did that funny flippy thing.

That’s been happening every day ever since. Like I caught some kind of virus. Only my internist is calling it an anxiety attack – he doesn’t listen when I tell him the “attacks” are causing the anxiety!

Anyway, I just sat there tugging at the suddenly tight collar on my Joie blouse, gasping for breath, about to faint and slide right off the chair onto the floor

and “Dr. Degree from who knows where” says

“Are you alright? Would you like some water?”

“Yes," I croaked with my last dying breath.

Anyway diary, the end result was she gave me some medication that she says will stop the “attacks” for now and then we will continue to have sessions until she thinks I wont need the medicine.

I wish we could have had a session today instead of talking about other people the whole time but what do I know?

I looked the medicine up here on my laptop before I opened you and Diary guess what? The main side effect of the medication is weight gain!
There’s no way I’m going to risk that!

Oh, did I mention Melanie is as skinny as ever?
Yawn…
good night dear Diary.
love,
Scarlett

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Sorry I removed your comment JW!

    I was trying to reply to you.

    I am so much a dork with all of this.

    Thank you for taking the time to write me, I did read your comment before I sent it to the great beyond. (sigh)

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  3. Hilarious - I love GWTW spoofs!

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  4. I am really very glad after read here and I appreciate for the information that you presented here.

    ReplyDelete