Maintenance

Have you ever noticed that the older you get the more effort it takes to look good?

In my 20's all I had to do was get a tan and comb my hair -
and wear tight clothes.

In my 30's I was still doin ok...I could stay up all night with my girlfriends watching movies and eating chocolate and drinking wine and still get up just a little later the next morning.

Maintenance consisted of shaving my legs and underarms, keeping my eyebrows plucked and getting a good tan every summer.

My hair looked good up or down. My skin was finally through breaking out (maybe?) in retrospect this was my one shining moment between pimples and wrinkles! Who knew?

In my 40's life got a little bit more complicated.

While I waited in line at the Taco Bell drive thru, I could see all of my gray hair in my side mirror as I leaned out to shout my order....

"I'll have a Nacho Grande and OMG what is that stuff in my hair!"

*****crackle over loudspeaker**** "what's that ma'am?"


Did he just say "ma'am"? Am I "sounding" old too?"

"I'll have the taco salad...hold the meat and cheese...and also a diet soda, umm...on second thought just make that a water...."

A pair of tweezers has now become my best friend in my diligent search for the grays, a plan I only abandoned when I realized I could quite easily pluck my way into pattern baldness.

So now I am 50...

I wake up after one dinner at a restaurant, swollen and puffy.

A blooming onion makes me "bloom" for 3 days...

in the meanwhile I am facing "veins" and "age spots" and what's up with the chin hair?

You know, that one lone solitary hair that can grown 3 inches in the time it takes you to check your email.

A magnifying glass has become not a luxury but a necessity, since apparently my eyes are becoming myopic so fast I cant even SEE the aforementioned now 6 inch long solitary chin hair.

The magnifying glass also mirrors my need to get my roots done again in my attempts to angle it so that I can see my chin...

I need a highlight job on my roots again? Didnt I just do that?

Of course I do! I need that about every 3 weeks appperently.

As I stand in my kitchen popping vitamins by the mouthful I remember the words of a neighbor I adored that has since moved away. She and I used to walk every day. She was turning 50 and I was turning 40. She said,

"I had a deep massage today so I hurt all over. I had my hair dyed and highlighted and my nails done."

I said, "well you look great!"

"Yes" she replied tiredly and with a rueful grin, "I can still look great but it is taking more and more effort to do it."

I listened to her and I thought that was interesting but I didn't really identify.

Now?

I GET it!

I wake up with a cranky hip.

I run with a faulty bladder to the nearest bathroom.

My allergies are in full bloom and my hormones tell me I should kill someone.

Too bad I am not in Iraq. I'm sure once I quit sneezing and peeing, I would be a human death machine!

"Fear THIS! Ha!

I am hormonal and have nothing left to lose!"

I probably wont offer myself to my country though...

I don't want them to tell me I am too OLD!